Anyone Can Whistle (Laurents and Sondheim)
"Simple"
HAPGOOD:
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
False is false and
True is true.
Who is who?
You are you,
I'm me!
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.
Simple as one-two-three!
SCHUB:
But who on that line is what?
HAPGOOD:
One is one,
Two is two,
Who is what and
Which is who?
No one's always what they seem to be.
CORA:
That's certainly true.
HAPGOOD:
For example - you sir, with the manly good looks. Would you come forward please, Mr. Hapgood?
SCHUB:
I thought you were Hapgood.
HAPGOOD:
Calling the patient by my name, he identifies with me immediately, we
have an instant transference and thereby save five years of
psychoanalysis.
CORA:
Now that is brilliant! Now what happens if I call you Hoover Hooper?
HAPGOOD:
Shall we dance? No, we have. Now then, Mr. Hapgood -
GEORGE (THE YOUNG MAN):
Call me Happy, sir. Or George.
HAPGOOD:
All right, Georgie.
GEORGE:
Thank you, George.
HAPGOOD:
Thank you. Now when we were a child, that is, when you were a child, a boy - you were a boy?
GEORGE:
I was a manly little fellow, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Then I'm sure there was a saying you learned that you have used ever since to govern your life. A motto, a watchcry...
GEORGE:
A watchcry... yes, sir.
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul."
HAPGOOD:
Good, Hapgood! Now then: married?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Two children?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Two TV sets?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Two martinis?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Bank on Friday?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Golf on Saturday?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Church on Sunday?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Do you vote?
GEORGE:
Yes, sir.
Only for the man who wins.
Only for the man who wins.
Only for the man who -
HAPGOOD:
All right. Headaches?
GEORGE:
No, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Backaches?
GEORGE:
No, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Heartaches?
GEORGE:
No, sir.
HAPGOOD:
Thank, you, Hapgood. Group A. Over there, please.
SCHUB:
What's Group A?
CORA:
Obviously mad as a hatter.
SCHUB:
Magruder! Place the Cookie under arrest.
HAPGOOD:
Just a moment here. George - do you ever wonder whether you're real?
GEORGE:
Oh, no, sir. I know I'm not.
HAPGOOD:
Group One. Over there, please.
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
Safe is sane and
Tired is true.
You be you and me to some degree.
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.
CORA:
Well, is he safe or sane, Doctor?
SCHUB:
Safe is sane.
HAPGOOD:
Not always.
The opposite of safe is out.
The opposite of out is in.
So anyone who's safe is "in".
GEORGE:
That I've always been!
CORA, SCHUB, COOLEY AND MAGRUDER:
The opposite of safe is out.
The opposite of out is in.
So anyone who's safe is "in".
HAPGOOD:
That's how groups begin!
CORA, ET AL:
When you're in, you win!
HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.
CORA, ET AL:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
HAPGOOD:
Simple as do you do like me?
CORA:
Well, I do indeed like you. The question is -
SCHUB:
The question is - jus a moment there.
GEORGE:
"I am the master of my fate
And the captain of my soul."
But my name isn't George, Doctor.
HAPGOOD:
What is it?
GEORGE:
Hapgood.
HAPGOOD:
Very good. Group A. Right here, please.
SCHUB:
What is it?
CORA:
I don't know, but it's brilliant.
SCHUB:
But which - which - just which group is what?
HAPGOOD:
It's very simple.
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
A is one group,
One is too,
One is One or One is A, you see...
CORA:
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
One is one and
A is too.
...
SCHUB:
No. A is One and
One is, too.
...
(The following is sung SIMULTANEOUSLY)
CORA:
No. One and One
Is always two
To me!
...
I don't agree!
A is you and
Me!
COOLEY:
...
No. One is green.
A is blue.
One can be
In A, you see.
A is crazy!
Maybe.
MAGRUDER:
...
...
No. A is green,
One is blue!
A is "out" and
One is "in"!
I agree.
SCHUB:
...
...
...
No. One is One.
A is one group.
Too.
See?
(They are interrupted by a WOMAN who sings in a strong cntralto and comes forward at HAPGOOD'S beckoning)
WOMAN:
(Very loud)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
Woman's place is in the home,
MAN:
A woman's place is in the house.
WOMAN:
And home is where you hang your hat,
MAN:
And that is where you hang your spouse.
WOMAN:
A woman's place is in the home...
HAPGOOD:
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Hapgood.
JUNE (THE WOMAN):
Oh, we're not married, Doctor. He's June and I'm John. I mean she's John and he's June.
JOHN (THE MAN):
June and John are engaged.
JUNE:
John's my secretary.
JOHN:
June used to be my secretary but his corporation went bust.
JUNE:
And her syndicate took over.
HAPGOOD:
Well, it would all be in the family if you got married.
JOHN:
Oh, but John can't support June.
JUNE:
Every cent John makes goes to pay for June's dinners.
HAPGOOD:
Why doesn't June gives John a raise?
JUNE:
He's not worth it.
HAPGOOD:
I see. And neither of you wants John to stay home and do the housekeeping because -
JOHN AND JUNE:
Because...
JOHN, JUNE AND HAPGOOD:
A woman's place is in the home,
A woman's place is on the shelf.
And home is where he hangs her hat,
And that is where she hangs himself.
CORA AND SCHUB:
Group-
HAPGOOD (TO JUNE):
A.
SCHUB:
Magruder!
HAPGOOD (TO JOHN):
One.
ALL (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"A woman's place is in the home,
a woman's place is in the house."
"I'm the master of my fate
and the captain of my soul."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."
"Beauty is only skin deep."
You can't make a silk purse out on a sow's ear."
"Fly now, pay later."
Never look a gift horse in the mouth."
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies."
"Handsome is as handsome does."
"You always hurt the one you love."
"Seeing is believing."
SCHUB:
Stop the music! A man crossed over.
HAPGOOD:
That was a woman.
SCHUB:
Oh.
CORA:
Group One. Ha ha ha ha ha!
SCHUB:
Now wait. Are they all Cookies? If you could produce someone who is sane, present company excluded, of course-
HAPGOOD:
Ah- good lad, Hapgood.
Watchcry?
MARTIN:
You can't judge a book by its cover.
No, you can't judge a book by its cover.
You can't judge a book
By how literate it look,
No, You can't judge a book by its cubber.
HAPGOOD:
Occupation?
MARTIN:
Going to schools, riding in buses, eating in restaurants.
HAPGOOD:
Isn't that line of work getting rather easy?
MARTIN:
Not for me. I'm Jewish ... Group A, would you say?
HAPGOOD:
Group one's more fun.
MARTIN:
Crazy.
CORA:
Group A?
SCHUB:
Group one?
CORA:
It's maddening.
SCHUB:
What's the difference between them?
HAPGOOD:
It's obvious:
The opposite of dark is bright,
The opposite of bright is dumb.
So anything that's dark is dumb-
MARTIN:
But they sure can hum.
The opposite of dark is bright,
The opposite of bright is dumb.
HAPGOOD AND CHORUS:
So anything that's dark is dumb.
That's the rule of thumb.
MARTIN:
Depends where you're from.
HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
CHORUS:
Simple as A-B-C.
HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as NAACP!
MAN:
I get the point, Comptroller Hapgood.
SCHUB:
Oh, shut up and get in Group A.
CORA:
Who's that?
SCHUB:
It's my brother-in-law.
CORA:
But he's not a Pilgrim... And he's not a Cookie... Hapgood, what was he doing on the line?
HAPGOOD:
Who is what?
Which is who?
That is that and
How are you?
I feel fine, what else is new?
SCHUB:
Oh... Every fool wants a miracle.
Hapgood-
CORA:
Who is on the line...?
SCHUB:
Doctor, you are not doing what we want you to do!
CORA:
You are right! Now look here,
Hapgood... Darling-
Grass is green,
Sky is blue,
I'd join any group with you.
Schub's a boob and you belong to me!
CHORUS:
Simple? Simple?
CORA:
Simple as one-two-three.
One-two-three...
CROWD (VARIOUSLY):
Doctor, what group am I in? Where do I belong?
Where am I? Tell me where am I! Where am I?
SCHUB:
Doctor - Group A: Cookies? Or group one: Cookies?
The truth now - which - is - what?
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
GROUP A (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"If at first you don't succeed-"
HAPGOOD:
Rub your stomachs! Goo-ood... Goo-ood...
Watchcry!
GROUP ONE (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"Beauty is only skin-"
HAPGOOD:
Put your heads, Hello! Hello! Goo-ood... Hello! Hello!
Reverse! Goo-ood...Hello! Hello! That's goo-ood...
Goo-ood... Goo-ood... Comptroller.
SCHUB:
Dammit!
CORA:
I adore games!
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
CORA:
Hello!
SCHUB:
He's boring from within.
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
SCHUB:
Communist!
HAPGOOD:
You would say that,
The opposite of left is right.
The opposite of right is wrong.
So anyone who's left is wrong, right?
CROWD:
Goo...ood... Goo...ood...
HAPGOOD:
Hello!
CROWD:
Hello!
HAPGOOD:
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as ABC.
Simple as one-two-three-
CHORUS:
-Cheers for the red, white and blue...
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
MAGRUDER:
Look here I'm the chief of-
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
MAGRUDER:
"Ours not to reason why,
Ours but to do or die."
Sergeant Magruder reporting, sir!
HAPGOOD:
Occupation?
MAGRUDER:
Fighting the enemy.
HAPGOOD:
What enemy?
MAGRUDER:
What year?
HAPGOOD:
Yesterday.
MAGRUDER:
The Germans: Heil!
HAPGOOD:
The day before.
MAGRUDER:
The Germans: Heil!
HAPGOOD:
Today.
MAGRUDER:
The Germans: Hail!
HAPGOOD:
Tomorrow.
MAGRUDER:
Hail! Heil! Hail?... Heil?... Hail?
HAPGOOD:
Group A.
MAGRUDER:
Heil?
HAPGOOD:
Group One.
COOLEY:
You're just making him seem crazy, but he's twisted.
I mean - he's been twisted.
HAPGOOD:
Grass is blue,
Sky is green,
Change of time is change of scene.
What you meant is what you mean.
Watchcry!
COOLEY:
Hallelujah!
No, I mean - now, Brother -
HAPGOOD:
Occupation:
COOLEY:
Preacher - er, I mean, Treasurer.
HAPGOOD:
Ah, you were a preacher, Hapgood.
COOLEY:
No, I'm a treasurer, Cooley-
HAPGOOD:
They threw you out of your pulpit-
COOLEY:
Yea... Brother!
HAPGOOD:
Because you were crazy.
COOLEY:
No, because I believed!
HAPGOOD:
In being treasurer?
COOLEY:
In God, and they only believed in religion.
HAPGOOD:
And that made you crazy, Hapgood.
COOLEY:
I am not crazy, Cooley!
HAPGOOD:
No, you're crazy. Hapgood.
COOLEY:
I am not Cooley, I mean - No, I am not crazy, I'm Hapgood!
HAPGOOD:
Are you sure?
COOLEY:
I am absolutely Schub!
SCHUB:
He's crazy.
HAPGOOD:
Thank you. Group A. Watchcry!
Watchcry!
GROUP ONE AND GROUP A (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
"I am the master of my fate and-"
"A woman's place is in the-"
"Beauty is only skin deep..."
"Never look a gift horse in the -"
"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no -"
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of -"
"Seeing is believing. Seeing is believing!"
"You can fool some of the people-"
"An apple a day, an apple a day, an apple a day keeps the doctor-"
"Ours not to reason why, ours but to do or die..."
SCHUB:
I don't have one, Cooley!
HAPGOOD:
Aha...
SCHUB:
Hapgood, we are going to end this right now. My dear Treasurer, I mean, my dear Doctor - dammit! Now. Right now: which group is-
HAPGOOD:
Two questions.
SCHUB:
One answer.
HAPGOOD:
Just two little questions, Schub, and you'll know which group is what.
Where does most of your money go?
SCHUB:
I hardly think-
HAPGOOD:
Where does most of your money go, Hapgood?
SCHUB:
In taxes.
HAPGOOD:
Goo..ood... What do you think of someone who makes a product and doesn't use it?
SCHUB:
He's crazy.
HAPGOOD:
Hello! Hello!
CROWD:
Hello! Hello!
HAPGOOD:
Most of your money goes to the government in taxes.
What does the government do with most of the money?
Makes bombs. Reverse!
Goo..ood... Hello! Hello!
CHORUS:
Hello! Hello!
HAPGOOD:
But you say to make a product and not use it is crazy.
Isn't that what you said, Comptroller Cooley?
And that doesn't make you crazy for letting them waste your money, Treasurer Schub?
Reverse! But perhaps the government is making bombs because it means to use the product.
Which means everyone will be killed, Hapgood. Including you, Schub.
Both together now! Which means you are paying most of your money to have yourself killed.
Which means, my dear Doctor Comptroller Mayor Schub, you are the maddest of all!
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
SCHUB:
Help!
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
CORA:
Brilliant!
HAPGOOD:
Watchcry!
BOTH GROUPS (SIMULTANEOUSLY):
Grass is green.
Sky is blue.
The opposite of left is right.
The opposite of right is wrong.
So anyone who's left is wrong.
Simple? Simple? Simple?
Simple as A-B-three.
Simple as one-two-C.
As grass is green
As sky is blue,
As simple as the opposite of left is right
Is wrong is right is A is One
Is A is One hello! Hello! Goo-od! Goo-od!
A is One! One is A!
Grass is who is opposite of what is green is safe is
Opposite of dark is opposite of simple which is
Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry! Watchcry!
One is One! Two is too!
Who is what and which is who?
Who is what? Which is who?
Which is who is who?
Who is who?!?
HAPGOOD:
You are all mad.
