I am in Hell (or at least Down in the Dumps)

I feel horrible every second of every day. It's been going on for over a week now, and I expect it to last for the next two months. Every day is torture.

I feel nauseous.

My intestines are in knots and doing all sorts of strange things (things that feel sickening and creepy).

I have the chills. And sometimes my eyes burn and water.

I have a bad taste in my mouth that never goes away.

Brushing my teeth makes me gag. After I brush them, I have to do a lot of spitting in the shower.

The heartburn is very unpleasant. After I eat, my insides (stomach and intestines and chest) burn.

I cannot think about or face food. The kitchen is a Dead Zone for me. But I have to run in there sometimes. Yesterday, I tried to get some food out of the refrigerator. I almost passed out and vomited. I ended up crawling back to the couch and calling Sandy to ask her to come home from work to feed us lunch.

Sleeping is the only thing that feels good. Waking up is torture. Every morning, I dread that time - between six and seven - when Darah wakes up and I know it is time to feel the pain again.

I am congested and snotty.

I am tired and weak.

The nausea is the worst. Anything but nausea. It's hard because I feel sick when my stomach is empty. I get very sick on an empty stomach. But then when I eat, I feel sick (the inside of me catches fire) afterward.

So I'm down in The Dumps. I don't know about Darah. I figure it must rub off on her. She's probably down in The Dumps, too. More television watching, less fun with Mummy J.

I lick salt off of pretzel rods for a tiny bit of relief.

Stuck on the Couch During First Trimester of Pregnancy

Have taken pre-natal vitamins before and during the first month of pregnancy. Can't take them anymore because of my nausea but still take a folic acid pill before bed.

Darah says "hi there" when she holds my cell phone to her ear(more like "hi teh"). I love it.

Being so sick all the time is humbling and traumatic. I decided to just pee in the bathtub yesterday because I felt too sick to get out and sit on the toilet. Pathetic, I know.

I have a REALLY hard time getting food out of the kitchen for Darah and/or me (just being in the kitchen makes my nausea worse). I cannot imagine eating anything. Maybe a cheddar cracker.

I have only had the nausea for a week, but it feels like it's been eternity. Two or three months to go, gods help me.

I have managed to keep food down for this first week. It is torture. I hate puking. I am doing everything - mentally - in my power to eat and keep the food down.

I am trying to show Sandy that I am strong by eating certain foods more than once. I am really struggling with that. I have had cream of wheat three mornings in a row, but I feel myself growing weak.

It's Feb 27 - week four or five of pregnancy. I weigh 101.5lbs.

Pregnancy Nausea First Trimester Hell Begins

I probably won't be writing for a while. It was too good to be true. I got sick. At least as bad as last time, if not worse. The only time I am not nauseous is when I am sleeping (and sometimes even then...). I need help. This is hell. Well, it's not as bad as say-watching my whole family being massacred. It's not as bad as a lot of things. But it's still really bad. I wish the next two months would fly by...they will, instead, drag.

Pregnancy Journaling, Freaky Pregnancy Dreams

Well, since we returned from Chicago a week ago everyone has been sick but me. Two days ago, Darah started coming down (why do we say "coming" down?) with a cold.

She has it bad now, the poor honeybananabunny. The snot is thin and just runs out of her nose constantly. And when she coughs, it sounds like she's a machine that has water trapped in its interior. I guess these are just the common things that parents go through - kids who have snotty noses and mucous-raspy coughs. Feeling sorry for her because she cannot breathe out of her nose and does not yet know how to blow her nose is probably a universal experience for all (especially new) parents. It's a common cold, but we took her in to see the doctor this morning anyway. The doctor cleaned a little chunk or orange wax out of her ear and inspected most of her baby orifices, but found nothing notable or worrisome. Her cheeks were red and flushed, but her temperature was actually below average (at 98.3). She had been terribly cranky last night and this morning when she woke up, but was in a very outgoing and active mood at the physician's office - go figure! As soon as I sat her down on the floor to fill out a form, she scooted over to the other end of the room to play with the toys and train table. She wasn't shy at all. The only sign that she was sick was that she had a stream of snot hanging from her little Cindy Loo Who nose.

Darah has been extremely irritable since she became sick. If something doesn't go her way - any little thing (for instance if I set her down on the floor) - she starts crying this really over-the-top whiny cry. It's too bad because she was being particularly fun and cute right before she got sick. She comes up to me several times a day to hug me. She hugs my neck and "kisses" (puts her mouth on) my cheek. It's the best feeling in the world (well, one of them). She has just figured out how to sign "help" to me. For a while, she would clap her hands when I asked her if she needed help. And now she holds two fists together and moves them up and town together - which is a lot like the actual sign (or the one I've been doing: a fist on top of a flat hand moving up and down). The other day, Darah tried to put her socks on for herself. She has mastered taking off her socks (as you would, with a bit more frustration and a bit less grace), but she has her own version of putting on her socks. She has a couple of versions of putting on her sock, actually. She'll either set a sock on her foot and pat the sock or she will stretch the socks (holding it with both hands) over the foot. We were very excited about it, so it's not wonder she has become very excited about it. Now, for fun, she takes off her socks and tries to put them back on. But she has to ask for help...and this is how she put "help" and socks together. She was frustrated with her sock, so she did the help sign. I was so happy. She's putting things together, and it's so exciting to see each small thing she figures out. She's quite proud of herself, too.

As for me, I've been feeling okay (nothing notable happening) until Saturday night, when we were at Tiramisu in Quincy with Dana and Colin. Actually, the problem started a bit earlier in the day when we were having a lunch-library date with Kim and Eli. I did not feel like eating much of anything on the menu at Chicks (most of it is fried...), but went with the portobello fries (fried portobello mushrooms). As I was eating them, I was feeling as though they were going to make me sick. They did, but not until we were having dinner at the restaurant in Quincy. We both ordered salmon and it was done beautifully, but I had trouble enjoying it because of...my hormonal body. Darah didn't make things easier. She was in an awful mood (probably feeling sick) and wanted to be held by me the whole time. It was busy and cramped and hot in the restaurant, which just made me feel worse. I had terrible abdominal pains and cramps and a little bit of nausea. It lasted until I fell asleep that night. The following day, Sunday, I felt okay but did have a bit of nausea after dinner (after having a heath bar and marshmallows for desert, to be precise). Today I'm very sick and have been trying to nap. We didn't sleep for long (Darah was up and ready to play the "sock game" in forty minutes), but it was nice to be able to lie down and leave the mess for later.

The Quote of the Week:


"I don't buy that whole Mr. Nice Jogging Wolf thing. He's big and he's bad"
- Ming-Ming, The Wonder Pets Save Little Red



Darah's words, 13 months:

Ut-oh
Fis (for fish)
Fichy (for fishie)
Chee (for cheese)
Ma-ma or Mom

Mum-mum 

Eee (for "I want my milk" at the dinner table)
Ba (ball)
No-oh
Doh-n (for don't)
Muah (for kiss...well, that's her actual kiss)


* She talks a lot, in sentences even, but we're not sure what she's saying

Darah's signs, 13 months:

More (fingers squished and tapping each other - yes, it's hard to describe verbally)
Help (clapping or fists together moving up and down)
Want (making fists with her hand)

* She copies others, we just don't use them frequently enough


Darah's Favorite Books, 13 months:

Skidemarink (book-song hybrid)
Five Little Ducks (book-song hybrid)
One Sneaky Sheep (a touch-and-feel fluffy tale)
Goodnight, Baby (a short, simple book...her favorite lines are "wriggly, giggly tickley toes" and "splashy water, boats in a storm")
Goodnight Moon

*She loves books with baby faces

My mother's advice for taking care of a sick babyD:

"You have to give her three baths a day"
(Much like the advice my father gave me when he discovered Darah does not yet know how to give a five yet: "Well, she doesn't know how to because you don't do it with her often enough. You have to do it with her like five times a day." Gee. Thank you Dad. If I do everything I want her to know five times a day, I'm sure we'll both be in tip top condition.)

First Trimester: Before The Pregnancy Nausea Trials

It's nearly been another week and I am not sick yet. Tired and bloated and cold and filled with urine (or at least with urine always at the edge), but not nauseous. It's so strange. I keep eating things and thinking that it will only be a matter of days until I won't be able to eat those things again (like the bagel with onion and chive cream cheese and glass of highly acidic grape juice that I had this morning).

Darah has been very entertaining this week. She started saying "ut oh" at the beginning of the week. At first she repeated it when I would say it and then, later in the day, she said it spontaneously. I love "ut oh." She said it all day long for one day, but then I didn't hear it very often after that (maybe once in a while, here and there). I guess it was new and fun on the first day. Maybe she just forgot about it because she hasn't heard me say it in a while. Today she has been saying "Oh" whenever she is surprised or sees something new and interesting. She brought me her plastic peach this morning, and when I opened it for her (pulling apart the two Velcro halves)she exclaimed "Ohhhhh" in amazement. I love her sweet high-pitched voice.

She's been getting a lot of baths lately. She likes to rub her dinner in her hair when she is finished and bored. Last night it was butter. I hope it conditioned it, because she has a nest in the back of her head that poofs and snarls and can never be tamed. Darah probably rubs food in her hair on purpose; she loves bath time THAT much. Especially now that I am letting her sit in the tub on her own (not in a bath seat). I bathe her in the tub downstairs because the one in our bedroom is a jacuzzi tub (and is too deep for me to lean over). It's a good tub for kids, but it's freezing downstairs so I usually don't like going down there for long (even with the space heater that I turn on). We've been using color tablets in the tub lately. I enjoy them - especially the turquoise shade. I don't know if she notices them anymore. I haven't figured out a good way to wash out shampoo from her hair. She arches her back and stands up when water gets in her eyes - so I usually end up holding her and getting soaked or putting her back in the bath seat for a rinse down.

Darah loves TV. A woman at Early Beginnings urged us not to allow her to watch a lot of television because she will not be able to stay attentive when things in real life (at school, for instance) move at a slower pace. She does ignore me sometimes when she is watching TV. I still let her watch a lot of TV (shows on PBS, mostly). It does make it easier on me. But I still make time for us (Darah and me) to play together and be together without it on. Darah loves music. She has been dancing for months. Once when we passed Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel, she heard the song HM was singing and started rocking and getting so excited. She loved that music. And then she also seemed to like the Jonas Brothers (which I was sad about because I find their voices nasal and annoying). On the up side, she likes Edith Piaf a lot. We all enjoy a special after-work/end-of-day dance to "La Vie L'Amour" together. LOVE Edith Piaf. We all do. It's great.

Taking a Pregnancy Test, Again - The First Pregnancy Symptoms

I took another pregnancy test yesterday, just to make sure I am still pregnant. It turns out that I am. I really am. The line is even darker than it was last week when I tested. I am having trouble believing it because I am not feeling like crap yet. During my first pregnancy, I was sick with 24-hour nausea by this time. I wonder how one pregnancy can vary so much to the next. Sandy thinks it may have to do, at least to a small degree, with stress levels. But I think I am almost as stressed as I was with the last one. I am just a chronically stressed person (which is why yoga is such a struggle and is so important).

I have been having moments of nausea. I had a little before bed the other night. And I had a little yesterday after I ate five or six pieces of chocolate. And I had a little tonight after we had eggs for dinner. Just the thought of eggs - fried eggs - makes me slightly queasy. I suppose it make be a remnant of the nausea I had with my first pregnancy (because I couldn't eat or smell fried eggs for the first three months). I told Sandy I might not be able to have eggs for a while.

My body aches during the night. Arms, legs, butt, lower back, shoulders. Just from sleeping on them. It doesn't make sense how pregnancy starts to take over your body right away. Hormones are so powerful. I've been hurting my fingers by biting. I guess it's my compulsion or the manifestation of some undiagnosed anxiety disorder.

So far it's just been twinges, periodic cramping, periodic dizziness and weakness, and periodic nausea. My breasts have not grown and are not sore. So far so good. And that calls for a nice, solid knock on wood for the superstitious dimension of myself (and yourself, too).

Sometimes going through tough times puts things into perspective.

Home again, home again...

Darah and I returned home by train from Chicago this morning. This was a significant, though short, trip because during it Darah took her first train rides - first on the Illinois Zephyr and then on the Carl Sandburg. Each way, she slept for about an hour and a half on my chest. I was hoping she would sleep for three and a half hours, but who can blame her for wanting to get moving (Darah's naps usually last forty-five minutes; she prefers to be awake at all times). She loved looking out the window, but that only occupied her for about ten minutes. I tried to distract her and to keep her occupied, but she just wanted to throw things and go to visit other people. Snazzle Kitty (a gift from Gramma Sue and Grampy Bill that they made for her at the Build a Bear at the Navy Pier) only occupied her for ten minutes. "The Feelings Book" occupied her for a total of approximately twenty minutes (in three sections). I took out her Garden Fresh grocery bag filled with plastic fruits and veggies that you can peel (pull off) and break (pull apart). All of the toys in my bags were made in, where else, China. I really do not understand how there can be so many factories in China - almost every piece of plastic that I encounter is made there. It's frightening.

Darah had nice dinners at Tamarind (an Asian-fusion, eclectic place near Columbia College) and Riva's (an upscale seafood restaurant at Navy Pier). She napped in the stroller I bought at Walgreen's (made in China, I'm sure). She strolled through the city and rode in taxi cabs. She made huge messes in every restaurant we dined in. She saw space jackets and robots and colorful lights at the Adler Planetarium. Although she was hot and sleepy, she managed to stay awake for the One World, One Sky show at the planetarium, which featured Big Bird, Elmo (her favorite), and a CHINESE Sesame Street character. Then, she slept through the Cosmic Collisions show, which was narrated by Robert Redford. I had a great time at the planetarium. I've always loved sitting in the dark room with stars surrounding me. What a great date idea - I'd say it would be creative and romantic. Sandy and I will have to go sometime, since we've never been to a planetarium together. I wonder how the planetarium in Buffalo compares - I was there once when I was a kid and I have always wanted to go back. Well, I got my wish. Darah's first trip to the planetarium at one year old and my second trip at twenty-four years old.

Darah's grandparents, Grampy Bill and Gramma Sue, took her swimming at the hotel (the Sheraton). I watched, very happily, from the side. Darah had a blast in the pool. She loves water. She seems to be in her element when she is in the water. She kicked and splashed and smiled. We always take her swimming at hotels because she enjoys it so much. If I feel up to it in the Spring, I'll take her swim lessons at the YMCA again. I wonder what was going on in her little brain when she stood in front of the giant window on the 27th floor of the hotel, staring out at the ever-more giant, well-lit buildings of central Chicago. I realized on this trip how glad I am that I do not live in a large city. I feel much more grounded living in a town and being on land.

The next day, we took a cab to the Shedd Aquarium. We were very excited, knowing that Darah loves her fishies and would probably think the "big fishies," as we called them, we're so cool. But when we pulled up, there was a line full of kids, parents and strollers about a mile long outside the Aquarium. I'm not sure why it was so crowded, but we decided to head over to the Navy Pier for the day instead. Darah had fun at the Navy Pier. Before we went, we (my father and Darah and I) ate a sixty dollar (!) breakfast at the restaurant in the hotel. Darah ate some of the fruit from my crepes and then had pancakes. She loved the strawberries until she had the blueberries...and then she just wanted the blueberries. Just as I said to my dad, "Oh Darah loves blueberries. She is shoveling them in," Darah pulled one out of her mouth and handed it to me. She tried another one and another one after that, and each time made a face and handed them to me. I don't know what happened and why she changed her mind. She went from LOVING them to HATING them in a matter of five minutes.

The highlight of the Navy Pier, for Darah and all of us, was the Children's Museum. I recommend it very highly. I can't wait to return with Darah. There was so much to do. I wish we had started earlier. When Darah found the Water Explorations area, she was, as Sandy likes to say, blissin' out. She spent about an hour standing at the side of the water tunnel. She played with three fountains of water almost the whole time. Other kids came and went, but she stayed there with the fountains. I was in heaven watching her. She wore a lilac raincoat. It was such a sweet moment in her life. How wonderful! And then, later, she got to go swimming AGAIN, on top of all the fun at the waterworks. Darah had a fabulous visit with her grandparents in Chicago. She had ice cream for the first time, too, which she enjoyed thoroughly. What a day, what a trip!